Dating... Marriage... What's the Real Difference? Pt. 2

"Marriage is a special relationship between two people, designed by God...the purpose is no longer to "see if it will work", the partners now focus their energies as a single unit to build a life together, share sexual intimacy, perhaps procreate, and connect in the deepest ways..."



Welcome back!

Last week, I asked a series of questions. If you haven't viewed those yet, I heartily recommend that you do that right now. If you go on and read the answers to my questions without first answering them yourself, it's like opening a present early... It won't have quite the same impact as it would have had if you had waited. Part of what makes this dialogue between you, the reader, and me, the writer, so effective is that I can lead you down a thought path with me and you can compare it to your own thought path at each stepping stone. So, please - start at the beginning!

Now, to the questions. In this article, I'll give you my brief answer to each of these questions. In the next several articles, I'll go more in depth on each individual answer I have given. As always, please feel free to challenge or question my answers. And leave comments at the bottom for others who run across this blog. If I'm wrong, or if you have some knowledge that will clarify one of my answers, they need to know and I need to know. Also, I would like to point out that I have installed some software into this blog which will allow you to click on or tap a verse and be taken to that scripture in an online Bible. If you don't have time to get out an actual paper Bible, or you don't want to mess with opening up a Bible app, you can just click on or tap on the verse. 

Without further ado:

1. What is dating?
• Dating is a special type of interpersonal relationship in which both partners are testing to see if the other partner is a good fit for a marriage. They are very open about their intent, and the "dating" stage of romantic interaction is not meant to last forever. It should either progress into marriage or fail so that each partner can pursue a relationship with someone else. Since dating is a Western concept, it's not really covered in the Bible, but of course, dating - no matter how serious - is not marriage. It should not be treated as though it is marriage.
2. What is the purpose in dating? 
• As far as I can tell, the purpose of dating is to talk, spend time together, and get to know someone just long enough to see if you can make a marriage work. Since the Bible clearly defines* the boundaries of a marital relationship and describes the special duties, responsibilities, and pleasures that should be present within it, the way that someone defines "dating" must not cross lines over into areas that God has reserved for marriage.
  *see 9.
3. What does our culture tell us the purpose of dating is? Why?
• Our culture tells that dating exists so that two people can get to know each other and then fulfill each other's needs thoroughly, connecting on the deepest levels for awhile, perhaps a few months or years. Then (if it doesn't fall apart) the partners usually put a label on it, have the ceremony, and get married; although they don't necessarily have to. Dating is usually viewed sort of like a temporary marriage that may or may not end in an actual marriage.
• I believe that this is the case for a couple of reasons. First of all, I think that so many people have seen failed, unhappy marriages that they're really cautious about getting involved in something that may end up being abusive and unhealthy. I assume that these well-intentioned folks view long-term marriage-dating as a way to test things out. I also think that it's easier to have this sort-of temporary marriage. There is a lot of pressure that comes with marriage, so if two people want to share their lives but they don't want all of the legal, familial, financial, and other baggage that comes with a cultural "marriage", they will date for awhile before actually sealing the deal. Overall, I think that the secular, pleasure driven society we live in combined with a departure from the marital standard described in God's word blurs the lines between dating and marriage, but I actually do understand why people would choose this route. I will go into more detail on why I think dating has turned into this sort of pre-marriage and what I think we need to do about it in a future article.
4. What does the Bible tell us the purpose of dating is?
• A good way to answer this question might be asking a different one: What was dating like for Christians in Bible times? Well, it didn't exist - the early Christians most likely would have gotten to know each other and married almost immediately. Or they were part of an arranged marriage system. I'm not advocating for either of those; I'm just pointing out that they didn't "date" for years like is now common in Western cultures. This is an important part of understanding what the actual purpose of marriage is, and has been for thousands of years. The 1960's really started tearing down the purpose of marriage as it had existed for thousands of years before. 
5. Precisely, at what point is someone considered "dating"?
• Someone is considered "dating" when they and their partner have declared their exclusive romantic interests for each other and are building a friendship/relationship to see if they would be a good fit in a marriage. 
6. What is marriage?
• Marriage is a special relationship between two people, designed by God for several specific purposes. In marriage, the purpose is no longer to "see if it will work", the partners now focus their energies as a single unit to build a life together, share sexual intimacy, perhaps procreate, and connect in the deepest ways - emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. 
7. What is the purpose in marriage? 
• Since marriage is not a cultural construct - God actually instituted the marriage relationship - he has defined its purpose. The purpose of a marriage is to symbolize the relationship between Christ and the church while also ensuring that both partners find an absolutely incredible level of fulfillment and satisfaction in an environment of healthy vulnerability, acceptance, self-expression, sacrifice, and love.
8. What does our culture tell us the purpose in marriage is? Why?
• I'm not going to lie, I had a hard time coming up with an answer for this one. It seems to me like, since our culture generally views dating as a less serious version of a marriage, (where two partners share a house, build a life together, share the deepest levels of sexual, emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy, and maybe even have kids), our culture implies that a marriage is a "more serious" dating that is intended to last forever. 
• I believe that this is the case because, as the lines between dating and marriage blur, so too does the purpose of marriage. If someone doesn't believe that God defined marriage, and they believe that it is just a matter of "what I think marriage is", then the actual integrity and impact of an official marriage relationship is severely damaged. I honestly think that this is the reason why the divorce rate is so high today; people don't take marriage seriously because the bond they share is not all that different from what they shared when they were dating, so the commitment is cheapened. However, I will save that discussion for a later article. 
9. What does the Bible tell us the purpose of marriage is?
• Perhaps surprisingly, marriage is actually a really special relationship that God invented specifically for humans, and he gave it a divinely sanctioned purpose. God created the divine relationship known as "marriage" when he created Adam and Eve as husband and wife (Gen. 2:24-25). The purpose of marriage is two-fold. It is meant to mimic the symbolic relationship between Christ and his church (Eph. 5:22-33). It is also assigned the equally important purpose of fulfilling each partner in the marriage (Gen. 2:15-25, 1 Cor. 7:1-5). Since God created marriage, the Bible is full of instruction regarding the way he intended for the relationship to function. These instructions* cover topics such as sex, parenting, the actual interpersonal relationship shared between spouses, the way that they should treat each other, the type of reputation that they should work toward, the way they should manage their money - pretty much every aspect of marriage is at least briefly mentioned in Scripture, if not explicitly detailed.
  *I will go into more detail on this in a future article, but until then, here are a sampling of verses describing some of the things the Bible says about marriage and the sexual relationship: (Gen. 2:18-25, Heb. 13:4, Eph. 5:3, Eph. 5:21-33, 1 Tim. 5:8, Mt. 19:4-6, 1 Cor. 6:12-20, 1 Cor. 7:1-5, 1 Cor. 7:9-14, 1 Cor. 7:32-34, 1 Thess. 4:3-5, Col. 3:18-21, Mark 10:6-9, 1 Pet. 3, Mt. 5:32, Mt. 19:3-12, Rom. 7:1-3) 
10. Precisely, at what point is someone considered "married", regardless of culture?
• Someone is considered "married" if both partners have a sincere intent to stay together forever, have entered into a sexually intimate relationship, and have began building a life together. When marriages occur in Scripture, there is usually a ceremony as well; although this is not always the case. As part of a marriage, both partners must abide by the Biblical instructions regarding marriage. The idea of a legally binding marriage certificate isn't universal, but I believe that the pattern I described above is consistent throughout Scripture; I will explore this concept in more depth in a future article.  
11. Are dating and marriage different? In what specific ways? 
• Yes, they are different. In dating the primary goal is to find someone to marry. In marriage, however, the primary goal is fulfillment of your partner (1 Corinthians 7:34, Eph. 5:22-33). Since we know what marriage is, we know what dating is not. That being said, actually nailing down the differences between dating and marriage is more of a matter of what you consider "dating" to be. 
12. Does someone have to date to get married? 
• No, of course not. "Dating" is a modern Western concept. I will demonstrate this in more detail in a future article.
13. Should someone date before getting married? 
• I think that it's important for both men and women to be treated equally in the pursuit of a marriage. I am personally not a fan, for example, of the whole "dowry" system. While our concept of dating has some limits, which I will discuss in a future article, it definitely has its merits. However, dating is only good as long as the couple doesn't cross the line and lose sight of the specific purposes God assigned to marriage. Those purposes should be kept separate from dating.
14. What does 1 Corinthians 7:9 mean to you?
• 1 Corinthians 7:9 says to me that if people are at the point in a relationship where they crave to fulfill each other on the deepest, most intimate of levels (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) - they burn with passion to start a life together - then they need to go on and get married as soon as possible. There's really no reason to wait if the relationship is healthy, all of the important things line up, they're determined to be together forever and work through difficulties, and they feel the love that's needed to make a marriage work. I believe that God designed marriage to fulfill us, so if there comes a point in a dating relationship where marriage would most likely be a fulfilling, healthy choice, then I say get on with it!
15. Does a couple have to be married to fulfill each other completely in a way that's pleasing to God? 
• Yes. God designed marriage, but he did not design dating. Although many people believe that dating should fulfill each partner's needs in nearly every way, God actually designed marriage for that exact purpose instead. This goes back to my answer on question 14. If two people are in a healthy, fulfilling relationship, they've had all of the important talks, and they're ready to move in together and have a "test marriage", then I say - get married! There's actually some psychological research behind this perspective as well - it's absolutely fascinating. I'll get more into that in a future article, but I can sum it up by saying that two people won't make the sacrifices necessary to make a relationship work, and they won't try as hard to make a relationship work, unless they take the relationship very seriously. Like marriage seriously. It's almost intuitive - two people will treat each other totally differently if they think that they are going to be together forever and they have to make it work than they will if they think that they can just cut and run if things get too difficult. Now, I don't mean to suggest that people should just marry the first person who seems interested. If there are red flags, then run!! It's so sad when I see men and women, good men and women, ending up with people who are abusive and horrible to them.

I do have a few other comments I'd like to make - I could honestly rant about dating and marriage for hours. However, I think that I have said enough. As I stated before, if you disagree, if you have something you'd like to add, or if you just want to let me know that you read this article, please comment at the bottom! If you never wrote out your own answers to each of these questions, once again, I highly encourage you to write out your own answers so you can follow along in each subsequent article. You can compare my expositions to your own and see which one makes the most sense. Also, once again, thank you so much for reading! You make my studies worth it.

In Christian love -
Ethan